Comments & Reviews
Ochiba.Net » Writing » Reviews » Smudge
- Ami Aug 22, 2008, 10:24 pm
- JimmytheScratch Aug 22, 2008, 5:35 pm
[general comment]
“Licking them only made it worse, smearing bits of blood from cracked flesh in a sort of macabre lip-gloss.”
Possibly the best hook for any story ever.
“Reality shifted to make way for Maes Hughes”
Perfect.
“Understanding was what curled at the edge of Maes’ smile. It wasn’t amusement, not always. Amusement was a mask, containing and protecting the sharp attention that hovered hidden in the back of Maes’ eyes.”
Jesus…
“They were both weapons. But as they twisted and twined sweaty, scabbed legs and pressed cracked and bleeding lips together, they reminded for a bit that they were human.”
Christ in heaven…
Completely amazing. Descriptors, diction, mood, characterization. Down pat, totally correct, heartbreakingly exact. I am in love.
- JenniferPlague Jul 24, 2008, 7:58 pm
[general comment]
Ah~, I haven't done anything with FMA in so long~. :D
This was nice, although I thought the first paragraph was a bit awkward. Also, this line “But it isn’t nearly as interesting as yours. Did you know your tent is a bit loose in the back?” I was wondering, does he find it interesting because it's loose in the back? Because that's what the sentences make it seem like. D: Also, I don't know how a tent can be loose. Is it like... is the zipper half-way undone or something? Ah, and, they have bunks when they're in a tent? Do you mean cots? Because bunks are pretty much those wooden, skinny/small beds you get with plastic over the mattresses when you are in summer camp, in cabins. I don't know if you've ever had those. Hahaha, they're always too short, and it's not as if I'm tall, either. XD
I liked your use of "rutting" - for some reason, it seems to me how he would think, that type of vocabulary.
