Comments & Reviews

• 
• JimmytheScratch Aug 22, 2008, 2:22 pm

[general comment]

I read Ochiba's critque on meter and rhythm and realized immediately that anything I said would come off as "Ooh, pretty poem, a hurr hurr hurr." Anyway: I love it. Even though I am so Hegelian sometimes I can barely walk, I love the digs at modern gore. I love the setup in the first stanza and then the immediate "knock down" as it were. I also liked the parallel King speech in the last two stanzas. Total awesome.

Oh yeah, before I forget: I ARE OCHIBAU AND PROUD

• 
• BittenKitten Jul 13, 2008, 11:17 am

[general comment]

I really like the cadence and rythem (I don't think I will ever, ever learn how to spell that word) of this, it trips off the tongue almost merrily and that forms a nice contrast to the subject matter.

• 
• ochiba-chan Jul 13, 2008, 10:50 am

[general comment]

For starters... You have written my favorite style of metered verse. And you made it rhyme ::absolute awe::

Excellent topic choice too. You are writing about today, while challenging the old poets, and stylistically that totally worked! The first thing that came to mind when I started reading was Spenser's The Faerie Queene. I'm a fantasy and classical lit geek, so I totally got suckered by your opening stanza ::good job:: it made your message all the more powerful. Although, please be careful of sacrificing poetry for pedantry There were a couple times when the poem would lift me up... and then bring me a-tumbling down wondering: 'What just happened to all the lofty?!' The most notable example is the second stanza which--in my take-it-for-what-it's-worth opinion--ends rather awkwardly compared to the first two lines of the stanza.

Also be careful with your rhythm. I'm guessing you read this poem aloud since most poets do, and with your amazing rhyme scheme I figure it would be impossible not to. Heck, I was reading your poem aloud

A forewarning: I suck at scansion but I'll do my best to illustrate my point.

The ground was fertile, the heavens a happy blue.
ˇ´ˇ´ˇ (comma) ˇ´ˇ´ˇˇ´

You could achieve a more natural iambic pentameter by simply omitting 'a'

The ground was fertile, the heavens happy blue.
ˇ´ˇ´ˇ (comma) ˇ´ˇ´ˇ´

Adam and Eve dictated the future of me and you,
´ˇ´ˇ´ˇˇˇ´ˇˇ´ˇ´
I'm not sure if my stresses are the way you intended the poem to be read, but as you can see it was really hard for me to follow the rhythm here I strongly suspect the reason for my troubles lies with the phrase 'dictated the future'; I wouldn't recommend such diction anyway considering that 'future' is abstract and 'dictate' in no way complements the allusion to Adam and Eve; it's arguably a mixed metaphor.

If you find any merit in my rhythm critique, I strongly recommend omitting 'endless' in the last line of your envoy. Minus that word there is absolutely FABULOUS assonance in that line *hearts in eyes*

You took on a terribly hard meter style and I'm super impressed with the result. Thank you very much for sharing! I'll definitely keep my eye out for more of your poetry, and I look forward to watching your hone your skill here!

BTW: I don't know if you read hina88 but she is also a whiz with meter! Check out her poetry out if you haven't.

Minor edits (?):
Peace reined => reigned