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Ochiba.Net » Writing » Reviews » Kaden's Shadow

[general comment]

I really do like the concept of this piece, although I feel as if I've been left hanging at the end, or as if I'd missed a chunk of the conversation. The setting was absolutely lovely, and I got a good feel for the characters, but in the end I'm left wondering about so many things: 'How does Kaden manage to hurt people?' being the biggest one.

I love the idea, but there's not enough meat on the bones, in my opinion.

 

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  • avatar
  • Shelby Feb 12, 2008, 6:27 pm

[chapter 1]

I loved your short story. It was amazing. You are talented. It was so sweet. Mr. Daniels was nice to help Kaden, and Kaden is a funny kid. He made me laugh. You could write a second, about the things Kaden grows up to do! Just a thought.
Good job!

 

[general comment]

I've been wanting to review this for a while. I was honestly hesitant about reading this at first because I saw the word length and was like: an original drabble with typos and skewed grammar ::shudder::

That said, I'm glad I didn't trust my instincts because this story was a very pleasant surprise! First of all, there were no glaring errors, so no need to make apologies for something that simply isn't the case *^o^* Second of all, this is one of the most positive, uplifting things I've seen in this comm in a long time. Uber-refreshing, thank you! You've really got... I dunno... some sort of 気持ち良い (good-feeling) glow about you and everything you do whether it be drawing, commenting, or (apparently) writing seems to reflect this glow. It's hard not to be extremely fond of you, Ami-san! I can honestly say it's a real treat to have you here.

A couple crits, perhaps for your future works:
• “‘You were just like me when you were a little kid,’ yeah?” The response here was lovely, but a bit heavy handed. Simply:
"Quite the opposite actually,” Daniels said seriously. “I’m nothing like you – not now, nor when I was a kid.” would have sufficed.

• more detail please, in the sense of picture painting. I wasn't able to see the student or the teacher or their environment as clearly as I would've liked.

Solid work on this story, la! Thank you for sharing *^o^*

 

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